Overheard in Woodmere

DF told me a fantastic story on one of our Fresh-Air Breaks today.

DF is part of a group of friends who – and I say this with love, I have met some of them and think they’re good people – are a bunch of Dumbasses.  (For the record, DF wasn’t involved in any of the particular incidents I’m about to cite) these are the people who cruise around yard sales and tree lawns looking for elements to build a living room on a friend’s front lawn.  Totally Juno-esque, right?  I can only imagine this guy walking out to pick up his Sunday paper and seeing couches, a TV on a TV stand, and a coffee table so artfully done…on your front lawn.

These are the same group of people who went cruising for construction signs and cones to dump on the guys lawn.  And have gone to the local farmpark to steal sheep to tie up on his front lawn.

On top of the “creative vandalism”, the Dumbasses have also signed people up for information and such from telephone numbers they get from phone poles, public bulletin boards, late-night infomercials, what-have-you.  In one case, they signed a kid up (Duncan) with the local Jehovah’s Witnesses to get him a free bible.  The JH’s asked where he (Duncan) lived, the Dumbasses reply, “Chardon.”  The JH’s, seeing an opportunity, replied, “Well, hey, we’re right around the corner, would you rather that we swing by and do a bible-study with you?”


The first time the JHs showed up at Duncan’s house, Duncan was not home.  Not to be discouraged, the JH’s were to come back.

Mind you, Duncan has no idea that the Dumbasses signed him up for a Jehovah’s Witness bible-study.  When they came back the second time, Duncan was elbow’s-deep in machinery while he was working on his truck.  And as his grandmother was directing the JHs to where Duncan was working, he sliced his finger to the quick and is swearing a blue sailor as the JH’s approach the truck.  He rolls out from under the truck to three men dressed in black suits and looming over him ominously.

JHs: Are you Duncan?

Duncan: (Mind you, still has no idea that this is a set-up.) Um, yeah?

JHs: Hey, we’re here to help you.

Duncan: (Looking from his gushing thumb, to the JHs, to the truck, and finally back to the JHs.) Dressed like that?

It was shortly after this that both the JHs and Duncan realized that they’d been had.