February 13, 2007

For my tenure at Tri-C, I have a 3.6 GPA. I have been offered the chance to apply for Phi Theta Kappa, the international honor society of the two-year college. I meet all the requirements.

I graduated from Beaumont with honors, achieving a 3.3 GPA.

I graduated from Ashland with nothing. No cords, no pins, no honors. With a GPA of barely 2.7. I am the chronic under-achiever of my family, and of my in-law family….

For the first time in a very, very long time, I am achieving to my own standards. I will not be graduating from Tri-C, but at least I know that I did something to a standard which I hold to myself.

And now, I have something to be proud of, for myself. Because lately, I don’t have a lot to be proud of.

February 12, 2007

I think that one of the things that I like so much about Roseanne is the feeling of reality of life in the middle class (and a little bit lower). That it’s not all bad, but it’s not the “fabulosity” that so many “reality” shows, and so many “documentaries” point out on countless channels. And even the “winning the lottery” season makes sense in that sometimes, you have dreams to help you escape from how bleak the real world can be. And finally, that writing transcends and documents the human condition, takes you away from it while allowing you to examine what happened and how you felt.

So I just thought that I would share the last monologue from the show with you.

“One often wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I found it’s all around you. Take Leon for instance. Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He’s the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elks Club. Then there’s Scott–he really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn’t get too creative there.

“A lot of kids have called my son a nerd, but, as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd, too. A lot of times nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum.

“My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that and I wish Mom hadn’t either. I wish she had made different choices. So, I think that’s why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman. Oh yeah, and she’s nuts.

“My sister in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason I always pictured her with a man. She’s been my rock and I would not have it made this far without her.

“I guess Nancy’s kinda my hero, too, ‘cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don’t know what happened to that husband of hers, but in my book, I sent him into outer space.

“When Becky brought David home a few years ago, I thought this is wrong–he was much more Darlene’s type. When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky. I guess I was wrong, but I still think they’d be more compatible the other way around. So, in my writing I did what any good mother would do, I fixed it.

“I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He’s still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him.

“Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by fifty percent over our own. And we did. We didn’t hit out children as we were hit. We didn’t demand their unquestioning silence. And we didn’t teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons. As a modern wife, I walked a tightrope between tradition and progress and, usually, I failed by one outsider’s standards or another’s. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the ones who transform everything we touch And nothing on earth is higher than that.

“My writing’s really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean, at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another woman. When you’re a blue-collar woman and your husband dies, it takes away your whole sense of security. So I begin writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV where nobody has any real problems and everything’s solved within thirty minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl, but I was so angry I was more like a female Steven Seagal wanting to fight the whole world.
For awhile I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn’t even get out of bed until I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day I actually imagined being with another man, then I felt so guilty I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason.

“And then Darlene had the baby and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn’t just come true–I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it and whatever I didn’t like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action. I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And, most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I’ll be a lot better now that this book is done.”

February 11, 2007

Name six things in your refrigerator:

  1. Diet Rite Red Raspberry,
  2. leftover Chinese food,
  3. chevril goat cheese, amazing and creamy,
  4. Diet V8 Splash,
  5. 2 pounds of chicken breast,
  6. couscous.

Name six things in your freezer:

  1. Ground coffee,
  2. leftover mashed potatoes,
  3. ice cream,
  4. ice cubes,
  5. frozen veggies,
  6. Orlando deli Italian bread.

Name six things under your kitchen sink:

  1. bottle brush,
  2. Chlorox wipes, citrus,
  3. dishwasher detergent,
  4. garbage bin,
  5. hand lotion refil tub,
  6. Windex.

Name six things around my computer:

  1. Uni-Ball Micro pens in black,
  2. a mini Rolo-dex file for all of my computer passwords,
  3. a spindle of blank CDs,
  4. a notebook that I use to keep track of all of my computer maintenence,
  5. a mounted rock from the wall that was torn down at my alma matter high school,
  6. a flat-iron.

Name six things in your medicine cabinet:

  1. Midol,
  2. Therma-Care abdomen patches (love them for cramps!),
  3. Umberto Gianni thickening balm,
  4. Q-tips,
  5. DDR foaming acne cleansers,
  6. Anti-plaque mouthwash.

Name six things on or around your nightstand: (don’t have one, so these are on/around the dresser)

  1. alarm clock/CD/Radio,
  2. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon,
  3. Lubriderm sea kelp hand-cream,
  4. a note pad of paper,
  5. a vanilla pillar candle,
  6. a lamp.

Source: Multitasking Mama

February 9, 2007

This is going to be a semi-disconnected mess of things, but we’ll get through it, baby.

  • I heard about Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death from a customer at [Retail Job], about when it happened. My jaw dropped. I’m not surprised, but I am shocked. And I think so is everybody else — but none of us can figure out why we’re all so hit by this news.
  • I spent my first year of high school at a boarding school (though I didn’t board there) with an equestrian program (I did, in fact, horseback ride there). I was perusing through the newsletter, and saw that a friend of mine that first year I was there, is back teaching math there. I wonder if she remembers me. The last thing I remember of her was her getting on the bus the last day of school, waving, sadly, and thinking, “This is the last time I’m going to see her.”
  • My car was in the shop from last Thursday to today (Friday). This car is not old, and I turned it off and the fan was still running — this has never happened before. The Boy said it was nothing to worry about, but I took it to my trusted mechanic (this guy is really great, worth his weight in gold), who said that whatever is going on, it’s draining the battery, and he can’t pin-point the problem and therefore, can’t fix it. He sent me to the Hyundai dealership (owner rhymes with Dick Face), who also gave me the run-around, but still gave me their towing number so if it happens again, I can get it towed. This car is still under warranty, but I think Dick Face and I are in a pissing contest to see who’ll hold out longer.
  • I’ve dumped Security Steve for Brelen in Housewares/Domestics as my smoking buddy. Brelen at least seems interested to smoke with me, and he doesn’t stand me up like Security Steve does. Security Steve is just going to have to come to me next time he wants to enjoy my company on break. And I told him as much. Homey don’t play that.
  • I have a test on Tuesday in American Government. I’m frustrated that the rest of the class is somewhat shocked and dismayed that they are going to have to do some actual work in this class to pass. But maybe I’m just jaded having actually earned a degree already. If the girl in front of me whines again that she would have taken English if she knew she was going to have to write a paper, I’m going to cock-punch her.
  • I was supposed to have a second interview for the Admin Assistant job, but so far, nothing. This is starting to piss me off.
  • There is nothing quite so humiliating as standing with your mother in a store, as you think out loud to yourself how you can rationalize spending $3.99 on a box of stationary if you take back some of the things you bought earlier in the day and have her chastise you for not looking harder for a job. I spent the rest of the “shopping” trip in silence after that.
  • Financially, I’m treading water.
  • Wow, this list got dismal pretty quickly.

February 5, 2007

So, if I happen to get the job offer to be an Administrative Assistant, and if I choose to take it, a big worry I had was how long I’d have to stay at [Retail Job]. They post the schedule two weeks in advance, and I don’t want to have to finish those two weeks.

But, I did find out that the woman who’s job I took (she retired for greener pastures — she took a job at a factory), didn’t make it through her probationary period, and is now looking for time back at [Retail Job].


That is, if I get the job offer and if I take the job.

So far, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time is pretty good, I haven’t gotten too far into it. It’s got my psychology-interest sensors, tingling. Right now, watching Dirt is giving me a good insight into high-functioning schizophrenia, which is pretty interesting, only in that it sort of makes me empathetic to their plight. Some of the scenes where the character is being driven mad by his visions are pretty maddening for the viewer.

But I digress.