Thanks for the Forwards, People!

  • I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
  • Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
  • I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
  • I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
  • I no longer eat @ KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  • I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  • Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  • Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
  • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
  • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
  • And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave any more because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.
  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
  • I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I also no longer shop at Pep Boys… because they are Un-American.
  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
  • I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
  • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
  • Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  • Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he’s told us how to fix everything.
  • And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
  • Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician….