Having moved to the new house, I really felt good about the fall. At Ashland, despite being “in the country”, there weren’t enough trees close to the campus or to The Boy’s apartment, to actually feel as though I was immersed in my favorite season. In Chester-tucky, the whole development my parents live in is surrounded by trees, and the main road to get to the highway was through the woods. I got to see a lot of color this year; granted, it was mostly yellow (Dad thinks it was a combination of both the temperature and the rainfall), but it was color. Living close to 4 apple orchards also helped bring in the fall spirit.
But I’m really not feeling the winter season. Normally, I really don’t care. But this year, I really feel like I’m lacking, not spending this winter in Ashland. I actually love winter in Ashland, and every time I’m outside and the weather is cold and snowy, I feel that something is missing. In Ashland, one of my favorite things to do come holiday time was drive around the neighborhoods and look at the Christmas lights with The Boy. That, and making up the Christmas cards.
I don’t think that I’ll be doing Christmas cards this year. I can say with a good deal of conviction that this has been the worst year of my life. I have spent other years with a lot more anxiety and more intense moments of anguish; but the anguish has never been dragged out this long, nor has it involved what feels like the most important decisions of my whole life. I’m looking at finding a job in a career I can be proud of, being able to afford all of the bills I will suddenly be paying all by myself come January 31, going to graduate school so I can get the career I want, moving out of my parents house, and how I’m going to cope with becoming engaged when I have a very limited intimate support system.
But how does this relate to no Christmas cards this year? I honestly cannot see myself feeling any sort of holiday cheer, much less wishing to bestow it on my fellow man this Yuletide season. I know that this is a very Grinchly thing to say, but at least I’m being honest about it. I’m trying to be upbeat and positive, but inside, I’m a mess, and I’m starting to become emotionally worn out. I don’t have anything to give to anyone, and I think it would be obviously hollow in my Christmas cards.
I don’t have any real solutions to any of my problems. I think I’ve worn a rut into the mental carpet pacing around up there. I hope that at least this weekend I will get some of the physical things that are weighing on my schema.
In quick GRE news: I did, in fact, start studying. I’m completely horrified at my forgetting of the most basic of math skills (we’re talking I don’t remember how to multiply and divide fractions, even). And of course, I should have started sooner. But at least, in my completely lingual/literate life, at least I have enough experience that I’m not as worried about that section of the GRE as I am the math portion. And, I did learn my lesson from the SAT and am actually studying the material this time around.
So, here’s the moral of this story: the GRE is a test of basic knowledge in math and language, but it expects a collegiate-level working knowledge of writing. Start practicing and studying as soon as you know you want to take the test. $30 for a prep book may seem like a lot of money, but the salary for the job that you got bec
ause you have the grad degree from the school of your choice because of the scores eventually pays the book back.