Dear Eddie Vedder,
I realize that you and I haven’t actually had this formal of a conversation, but really, I think it’s time. I’m writing to make an admission: I’m not sure if it’s despite my best intentions, or what, but I have now gotten myself the mature version of a full-blown, fangirl crush on you. Please, refer to exibit A.
Very hot. Young, chisled. Just cute, all around.
You have to understand something, Eddie, my dear. I have a very bad habit of picking up crushes on singers from bands that The Boy likes. Like, Peter Steele from Type O, for example: the 7 foot behemoth whose music I can’t say as I care for, but good God, those Playgirl pictures kind of opened my eyes, if you know what I mean.
Eddie, I do like Pearl Jam, really. I realize that I was in second grade when Pearl Jam became famous, and yes, I must admit I didn’t like them even later in 1999, when I was being turned on to the old-school grunge alternative. But, since dating The Boy, I have seen the error of my ways and come to truly appreciate Pearl Jam for what it’s done for music and just how good we had it (and how music is dying, my darling, dying). True, true, I’m a little young to have been hiding Pearl Jam CDs in christian rock albums so that I could listen to them when they first came out, but I really appreciate them now. And really, let’s be honest, I think at 22 years old, I have a little more street cred to like Pearl Jam than the 15-year-olds whose myspaces I pilfered to get pictures of you for this letter. …Sorry, I tend to get protective of good music. I just don’t want anyone defaming you, you’re too cute. And talented.
Anyway, Eddie. I think you’re cute. Real cute. Well, not just cute. I think you’re really talented. I genuinely like all of the albums you came out with and am glad to have a copy of “Crazy Mary”, which is a hard-to-find track. I appreciate your writing and singing talent. My eventual MIL loved your music and tuend The Boy on to you; how cool is that? And I like it that The Boy and The Pretty Twin sing your songs at karaoke. And I love listening to “Ten” when The Boy and I give in to temptations of the flesh. It’s like getting a two-for-one deal.
I realize, Eddie, that you’ve gotten older, and that mature things happen to people’s looks as they get older (please see Exhibit B). And that’s okay, because I think you’ve aged gracefully, and I even see it in The Boy, who I think looks something like you. I’ve seen pictures when he was younger and honestly was amazed how boyishly cute and good looking he is (which look like you when you were that age). Seeing pictures of you now please me, because I can see the progression and the things I have to look forward to as The Boy gets older.
At any rate: I understand that my words are fumbling, and my intent at getting my feelings out may have fallen short. Just understand that I wish I had started crushing on you earlier. I would have had that much more time to enjoy how cute you are.
PS — And don’ t think I didn’t see you in Singles; I wanted to pinch your apple cheeks watching you smile and sit on the couch with Matt Damon (who, sadly, not as cute now as he was then). And
I wouldn’t have minded being one of your groupies then, even though I was 7 years old.